Love is Blind? How a Netflix show is shaping a new generation’s views on marriage.

Is love blind? That’s the question being posed by Netflix’s new hit TV show; can you fall in love with somebody based purely on who they are on the inside, without reference to appearance?

If you’ve not watched it, the chances are that you know someone who has. Netflix is the most popular streaming service in the UK, with more than 16 million households (more than 55%) having a subscription as of the beginning of this year. For context, that’s more than double the reach of DisneyPlus.

It might be tempting to just write off the show as yet another bit of trash-tv focused on dating; after all, the tv landscape is almost saturated with such productions (many of which we might see as unedifying). But the viewing figures would suggest differently: although it was released just a couple of weeks ago back near the start of August, it is already the number 1 tv show being watched on the platform, particularly connecting with teens and those in their twenties and thirties.

The show originated in America; having proved to be a popular concept, it has now had six series over there, and resulted in equivalent shows in Germany, Japan, Brazil and Mexico, amongst others. A second series in the UK has already been commissioned.

At CARE, our vision is to see politics renewed, and lives transformed; but in order to work effectively within society, we first need to understand the world we inhabit; it’s for that reason that we keep an eye on cultural trends and the narratives which are shaping young people.

The concept of the show is fairly straightforward: a number of single young men and young women have the chance to ‘go on dates’ and get to know one another, but these dates are all virtual, and they are not allowed to see the person they are meeting. Supposedly, the reason for this is to help them really get to know one another, without being distracted by physical appearance. In the first episode, the host says it is a format designed “to fall in love with somebody based solely on who they are on the inside.”

So far, so good. But it’s after that, though, that this social experiment starts to become rather more serious fare; for, having found someone who they like, based on their personality, rather than just dating them in the real world, instead, the male contestant proposes to the female contestant. If she says yes, it is only at that point that they are allowed to meet one another for the first time.

They then have four weeks living together, being engaged, and preparing for their wedding day at the end of the series, at which they have the chance to say ‘I do’, or indeed, in a number of cases, ‘I do not’ (at the altar).

At this point, you might be thinking ‘Why on earth would anyone want to go on a show like that?’!

This isn’t going to be a blog about the flaws in reality tv - plenty has been written on that subject already - or about sex before marriage, because plenty has been written on that too. Instead, I’m interested in what it shows us about modern attitudes towards marriage.

Marriage is a subject CARE has had a particular interest in for a very long time; we know that it is a part of God’s good design for society, and its benefits are clear to see from the statistics around outcome for children. We have long campaigned for a recognition of its value, such as in our work calling for tax reform.

But it’s also a subject which has become taboo for politicians to talk about, and one in which the secular world is increasingly out-of-step with the Bible’s vision. It’s been fascinating, therefore, to see it be such a central component of the most watched TV show on Netflix; what lessons can we take away from how it is being represented?

A number of contestants on the show expressed their frustrations with modern dating culture, and how superficial it can be. In the first episode, one woman spoke about how things would often last little more than a couple of dates. Another said, “I’m so ready to meet my soulmate. I just really hope he’s here. I think it’s really great to to build a life together. On the surface, I’m Miss Independent, ‘I don’t need a man’, but at the same time, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic.’

One of the most striking comments came from a lady who spoke of how she was looking for marriage, and was tired of men who were just after sex. The great lie of the Sexual Revolution exposed.

Although you can never fully understand what’s in people’s heads (particularly on a tv show!), it did genuinely appear that many of those who appeared were looking for marriage. There was much talk of ‘fairytale endings’, ‘soulmates’ and ‘someone I can spend the rest of my life with’ (yes, I’m aware that we could critique the first two of those from a Christian point of view!). Questions were asked about having children. Conversations were had around the difficulties of infertility. Contestants were, to be fair to them, doing their due diligence.

As Christians, the fact that people are - in some cases, really earnestly - hoping to get married, is not news to us. It is something which is in accordance with deep realities about our world: “It is not good for the man to be alone”, we read in Genesis 2:18. Marriage is a good gift from a loving God; as humans we are made for companionship. The instinct to want to share life with someone is embedded within our humanity.

But at the same time, marriage isn’t everything. Yes, the desire for it is natural, but it is just a really tough reality that - for any number of reasons - it does not work out for many wonderful people. Indeed, Jesus even talks about those who have had singleness thrust upon them against their will in Matthew 19:1-10. Within God’s sovereign plan, it is not always clear why, and as with so many things, we are unlikely to fully grasp them in this life. What God is clear on then, is that singleness should not be seen as some form of second best.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:7, in a passage all about marriage and singleness: “Each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” His point is that singleness is a gift too, just as much as marriage is and that there are benefits to it (indeed he even speaks of how he would desire those who are unmarried to remain so).

For Christians, God’s guidance is to learn how to be content in our circumstances, and in particular, to look to Christ for our ultimate fulfilment. The pastor Sam Allberry comments aptly, “Marriage shows us the shape of the gospel. Singleness shows us the sufficiency of the gospel."

Marriage does - of course - bring with it many wonderful blessings. But it will not always be easy, and it will not be a solution to fix all your problems (indeed, sometimes it might even create some of them!). To turn your spouse into your saviour is to place upon them a burden which none but Jesus can fulfill. I feel worried when - to give one example - one of the people within the show says, upon getting engaged, that now they ‘feel complete’.

Tim Keller summarised this problem well:

“Both men and women today see marriage not as a way of creating character and community but as a way to reach personal life goals. They are looking for a marriage partner who will 'fulfill their emotional, sexual, and spiritual desires.'

And of course, this all assumes we mean quite the same thing by marriage…

One of the better messages within the show - whatever the gimmicks around how it is set up - is that relationships should not be all based around looks. That is not to say that physical attraction is completely devoid of importance (Song of Songs might suggest otherwise!), but it is less important than character.

Peter writes in the New Testament, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Of course, that certainly does not mean that the people in the show are looking for the same traits that we might look for as Christians - there seems to be a widespread trend of focusing on ‘self-development’ in a very millennial way - but an emphasis on character, and on friendship, is a much stronger basis for a marriage than appearance.

Tim Keller writes in the Meaning of Marriage:

“This principle - that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend - is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of the desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle.

"The problem with these factors is that they are not durable. Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure. And socio-economic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. When people think they have found compatibility based on these things, they often make the painful discovery that they have built their relationship on unstable ground. A woman 'lets herself go' or a man loses his job, and the compatibility foundation falls apart.”

Perhaps it is this which explains why the programme has become so popular, so quickly. Although in today’s world we are more connected to one another than ever before, sharing our lives on social media, so much of this connection is superficial, and this has spilled into our relationships too. In today’s world looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend sometimes means just logging onto a dating app, seeing someone’s photo and swiping right. But really, what people long for is depth.

The author Louise Perry - not a Christian, but whose book ‘The Case against the Sexual Revolution’, arguing for the importance of marriage, has been widely circulated in the last couple of years - posted on Twitter last year, “I’m constantly getting messages from young men and women who want to get married to someone who shares their values, but have no idea how to find such a person.”

Just because we’re all using the same word, that does not mean we’re talking about the same thing. It’s been fascinating hearing different people’s explanations of what they think marriage is all about. Some of the contestants have talked about ‘feeling a connection’ with one another. On the other hand, one man, when asked what he believed marriage meant, said something which as Christians we would be highly encouraged by:

“Marriage to me is a lifelong commitment to someone, and I want to be able to show myself to someone without being worried that they’re going to walk away. To be in a marriage you need to show every part of yourself to that person, the bad times as well as the good, and not be afraid that they’re going to judge you.”

The problem is, of course, that within a setting like the one in the show - just four weeks knowing someone! - it is very difficult to put in place the foundations you would want to make such a commitment to another person. It is hard to extrapolate too much from the Bible about what ‘dating’ ought to look like; within the world of ancient Israel, practices were very different to today, and we certainly read of various marriages which took place without a prolonged phase of courting (eg. Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24). But the words in the liturgy used in marriage services in the Church of England are helpful, I think:

“In marriage husband and wife belong to one another, and they begin a new life together in the community. It is a way of life that all should honour; and it must not be undertaken carelessly, lightly, or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly, and after serious thought.”

As a show, Love is Blind places you in a rather bizarre situation, where at times, you almost don’t want some of the couples to get married (at least, not in the short term, under the spotlight of the tv show!): you can see the problems which would come down the line later, and the issues which they haven’t yet worked through (indeed, the kind of issues like a good pre-marriage course, like the one designed by Holy Trinity Brompton, would flag up in advance!).

It ends up being a relief to seek couples sometimes say no to one another, recognising that just the desire to get married does not prepare one adequately for it. The same man who articulated that understanding of marriage above, ultimately said no to his bride-to-be (who was a Muslim; he came to the conclusion that they hadn’t yet fully worked through the differences in their value-systems). It is better to marry no person than the wrong person.

My biggest fear around the show is that ultimately, rather than speaking of the value of marriage, it actually cheapens it. By not giving couples the opportunity to get to know one another properly, or to have the chance to go through the seasons of life away from the glare of the tv cameras, they are not allowing themselves to put in place the roots that would help their marriages to succeed. When the initial excitement dies down, or the sparks and connection fade, will the couples have the foundations in place to help them to go through life together?

In this show, love really is blind, but not in the way the producers think it is.

As Christians, we believe that marriage really is a permanent commitment to another person. Yet again, Tim Keller’s words are instructive:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

It is only when there is a full, deep understanding of a lifelong covenant - and where we live and act accordingly - that we can truly feel safe and secure in a marriage. This is the better story we believe in: regardless of your flaws and your failures (and mine), and irrespective of the ups and downs you and your spouse go through, you are unfailingly, irrevocably, beautifully promised to one another for good, just as God himself is fully committed to us.

So yes, let’s continue advocating for marriage; but let’s also remind the world what it truly means.