How to love people who think differently to you

Whenever we speak in the public square, we will encounter those who disagree with us. Some will be people with a very different worldview, while others will be fellow Christians. How should we respond to those we disagree with, especially if they are fellow disciples of Jesus Christ?

Paul’s words to the church in Rome have a great deal to teach us. While written long ago to Christians with quite different disagreements, the book of Romans communicates timeless truths about how the gospel should shape our interactions with others. Here are six things that Paul tells us in Romans chapter 14 about loving those who think differently:

As Christians we are not to quarrel over ‘disputable matters’. This does not mean we cannot discuss, debate, or even disagree over matters of politics and public policy. But those things are not the core of the Christian faith. As followers of Jesus we are to agree on the fundamentals of the gospel: the life, death, resurrection, and return of the Lord Jesus Christ. Everything else, however important, Christians can disagree about and still be Christians.

Being a member of a political party does not make you more or less of a Christian. Having a particular view on immigration, say, does not necessarily mean you are a Christian or not. Christians can disagree about any number of political issues, and disagree strongly, without stopping being brothers and sisters in Christ.

As Christians, we should not love to quarrel. Some people love a good argument, relishing the back and forth of heated debate. There is nothing wrong with debate and discussion, but our aim should not be to love simply having the argument. Our goal ought to be to love the person behind it. When we seek out disagreement instead of caring about people we have strayed too far from a Christian approach.

As Paul teaches Timothy about the qualities to look for in a church leader, he says: “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2 Timothy 2:24). These characteristics of leaders in the church but also examples of authentic Christian living.

Followers of Jesus should be kind rather than quarrelsome. We should look at the person more than the political position. Putting forth our argument is good when it protects the needy and vulnerable. Arguing for argument’s sake is unproductive and often unloving.

We are not to quarrel, but we are to accept those who think differently to us. “Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarrelling over disputable matters” says Paul. Again he says: “Who are you to judge someone else’s servant?” (Romans 14:4).

When someone thinks differently to us, our natural reaction is often to judge them. “How could they think that?” “They can’t be much of a Christian if they think that way, or vote for that party.” We look down on someone else’s policies or positions because they differ from our own.

Paul has a lot to say about refusing to judge those whose opinions differ from ours. “You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister?” he says in Romans 14:10, and goes on to conclude: “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another” (Romans 14:13).

While we might have good reason to disagree with our fellow Christian, we should not judge them for thinking differently. We should instead accept them. Why? Because God has accepted them (Romans 14:3). Jesus has brought them into his kingdom and made them his beloved child.

Moreover, we should accept them because God has accepted us. “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” says Paul later in the letter (Romans 15:7). If Jesus has accepted us with all of our misunderstandings and mistakes, then we ought also to accept and not condemn those who we think may be mistaken.

In Romans 15, Paul tells his readers: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak” (Romans 15:1). Someone who thinks differently about a particular issue or approach may be ‘weak’ in their understanding (or so it appears to us) and we are ‘strong’. But that should not lead to pride but humility. If we think we have a better grasp of this issue, then we should bear with those who think differently, not attack them for it. Aim to change their mind, certainly, but do so with love and respect.

In Paul’s day the disputed issue was eating specific kinds of food. In response to that disagreement he says:

When it comes to those who think differently, Paul challenges us: “why do you treat them with contempt?” (Romans 14:10) Instead of bearing with those who see things differently, we can often have contempt demonstrated in the way we speak about them.

One of the ways we can ‘bear with the failings of the weak’ is by speaking well of those we disagree with. Name-calling, hurtful comments, and personal attacks should not be our practice.

Speaking well of others does not mean we have to agree with what they say, or even how they say it. It means we recognise that they are people who are made in the image of God and for whom Jesus came to die. Even when we encounter someone who uses dehumanising language about others, we must remember that they are humans too. We do not meet hate with hate, but hate with love.

If I disagree with a politician, I can be respectful while clearly refuting their argument. If my colleague thinks differently about those seeking asylum, I can think they are wrong without thinking they are wicked. If someone says something I feel is hateful toward others, I can rebuke them without resorting to hateful speech myself. We overcome evil not by more evil, but by good.

We should take this approach with everyone, not only those who profess faith in Jesus. As Christians we should not respond with hate or distaste toward those who think differently, but with love. Luke’s Gospel records a time when a large crowd gathers around Jesus, and he teaches them what it means to be part of his kingdom. He says:

Jesus calls us to meet curses with blessing, ill-treatment with prayer, and hate with love. Political life can easily brand those we disagree with as ‘enemies’. As Christians we can live differently by responding to those labelled as enemies with love and goodness, rather than hatred.

It is easy to get pulled along by popular opinion, by the media we consume, and by views of those we trust. That is not necessarily bad or wrong, but we have a responsibility to be convinced in our own mind about matters, especially if Christians think differently about them.

I can look down on someone else for thinking differently to me on an issue without ever having thought it through myself. Paul shows us a different way. He says, “I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus” (Romans 14:14). He has an opinion and he is able to argue for it because he has made up his own mind. We should not be pulled along by others without being persuaded ourselves. We should not condemn others for being swayed by the opinions of others either.

We need not only to be convinced, but also to be critical of our own understanding. It is easier to see the problems with positions that are different from our own than it is to critique the extremes of our own ideologies. If I am positive about immigration, I might decry those who speak against it but fail to see the issues with those who espouse an open immigration policy. Equally, if I think immigration needs to be reduced, I may criticise those with a much more relaxed position without disowning the problematic groups who have similar views to my own.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talks about the need to be attentive to the plank in our own eyes: “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:4) Critique of others needs to be measured by an honest critique of ourselves.

Helen Paynter, founding director of the Centre for the Study of Bible and Violence, explains how this teaching of Jesus applies to divisive issues. She urges Christians not to criticize those who think differently to us before we consider those who are more extreme from our own positions. We should turn to them and say, “How dare you take my good and moderate and reasonable opinions and make them into something divisive and hateful. I will not defend you for that.” This will help us to engage in dialogue with those who think differently to us, rather than shouting at them.

We can disagree with our brother and sister in Christ, but we need to be careful that our disagreement does not become a barrier toward loving and accepting them. We should not make political views either a requirement or hindrance to being part of the church. We should not make policy disagreements something that causes others to stumble in their walk with Jesus.

Our goal is to love our neighbour and to love our fellow believer in the Lord. We should aim to act in love, not in a way that is destructive (Romans 14:15). That person who thinks differently to you is someone for whom Christ died. We should not make our disagreement anything that stops them drawing closer to Jesus.

Paul sums this up in this way: “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace” (Romans 14:19). This should first mean peace with God which was bought for us by Jesus on the cross. We should make every effort to proclaim and promote the gospel.

We should also do whatever we can to encourage peace between one another as well. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” says Paul earlier in the letter (Romans 12:18). If we can, we should act to promote peace rather than hostility.

When we encounter someone who stridently promotes ideas we disagree with, we might be tempted to respond in an equally vehement and outspoken tone. When others advocate violence to pursue their agenda, we might feel we have to respond with force as well. But Paul tells us that a Christian response is to react with peace, without causing our opinions, or theirs, to be a stumbling block to faith.

Loving those who think differently to yourself is at the heart of good, healthy politics. As author and theologian Luke Bretherton writes:

Bretherton goes on to explain that I have essentially four options when faced with someone who thinks differently: I can kill them, I can dominate them, I can make life so unbearable that they flee, or I can do politics.

There are some who would see violence, domination, or unpleasantness as valid ways to tackle people who see things differently. This is not the way of Jesus. That leaves us with only one path left open to us: to do politics.

Christians are to do politics differently, because we engage with all of life to the Lord. Paul tells us in relation to the disagreements of his day:

We do not live for ourselves alone, and we do not do politics for ourselves alone either. We engage in political life for the Lord Jesus Christ. That means I will love God and love my neighbour, including loving those who think differently to me. It means I will speak the truth while also speaking well of those who hold a different opinion. It means I will love the person more than the argument. It means that I will honour Jesus above my own opinion, knowing that I live, and speak, and do politics, for him.