How to speak to my child about gender

There are many conversations with our children that can be tricky to navigate, and, for Christians, discussions about gender will certainly be one of them. For many of us, gender identity was not something that we talked about with our parents. The vast majority of those around us weren’t questioning their gender, and the topic was not one that preoccupied our wider culture. That is no longer the case.

For children and teenagers today the question of gender – what it is, where it comes from, and how we define it – is very much on the agenda. It will be discussed in their schools, among their friends, and in the media. As Christian parents, therefore, we should not to shy away from the subject but talk with our children about what God has to say about the question of gender.

Nevertheless, this topic can be difficult to understand and respond to. You may find CARE’s other articles helpful in considering the issues involved, the terminology used, the theological background, and how to pray. When it comes to speaking with your children about gender, here are some useful principles to bear in mind:

If your child comes to you with questions about gender, it can be easy to panic. You may not feel prepared for the conversation or knowledgeable about the issues involved. It could be tempting to dodge the question or defer the discussion out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

Equally, even if you initiate the conversation with your child, it could be out of anxiety over the influence of their friends, or worry about what the wider culture might be telling them about gender. It can be easy to speak in an antagonistic way from a place of fear about the subject.

Whether your child approaches you, or you start the discussion with them, it is important to be calm. Don’t panic if the subject is raised, and help them to see that this is something they can talk to you about. You want them to know that you are a safe person with whom to discuss things like gender identity, rather than keep these questions from you.

We may have many worries and anxieties, and that is perfectly normal. We don’t want to project a false image of ourselves or pretend to be something we are not. But as far as possible, we want to ensure that they do not fear speaking to us about issues like this because we ourselves are fearful.

Part of growing up is working out our identity and asking ‘Who am I?’ Sadly the culture today puts labels like ‘transgender’ and ‘gender questioning’ on this normal part of adolescence. We need not be afraid of questions and need not assume that questions about identity and gender mean that your child is transgender.

To be able to respond well, we will need to understand our children and their world. It is vital, therefore, to listen as well as speak. The book of Proverbs tells us: “To answer before listening — that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). As Christians we want to teach Biblical truth about gender to our children, but we start with listening to their ideas, their concerns, and their questions.

The world that our children are growing up in is very different to the one we knew as children. It will be especially important to listen to what they say about the influences around them and the pressures they face. It will also be important to understand what else is going on in their lives. Questions of gender do not occur in a vacuum. There are other pressures on our young people such as sexuality, social media, identity, and anxiety.

It can be hard to listen and not speak, especially when our children express things that we know aren’t true about themselves. As Julie Maxwell writes for Living Out: “You may worry that not commenting means they will think you agree with everything they say. Saying things like ‘I hear you’ communicates that you are truly listening but doesn’t imply agreement.” There will be a time to speak but listening well comes first.

If your child comes to speak to you with questions about their gender, it will be helpful to listen carefully to what they are really saying. Questioning whether they are male or female might actually be questioning the stereotypes about what it means to be male or female. A boy who is less athletic and more emotional might be confused about what it means to be that kind of man, rather than asking whether they should be a woman. A girl with an interest in mechanics more than make-up is working through their expression of femininity rather than wanting to be masculine.

Society often reinforces these gender stereotypes, concluding that if you don’t fit a typical picture of what it means to be male or female, you must be transgender. As parents, we will want to help our children figure out what it means to be the gender that God has given them, even if that doesn’t fit popular stereotypes.

The world around our children will be telling a particular story about gender. Society tells them that gender is different from our biological sex, and can be defined however we want. In the world’s eyes, it is perfectly possible to change our gender, or remain ambivalent or flexible about what gender we identify with.

As Christians, we want to counter the world’s arguments with the Bible’s truth. It is helpful to think through the Bible’s view of sex and gender before speaking to your children about the subject if possible. There are now plenty of good resources available to draw upon, including the other resources you can find here on CARE’s website.

We want to help our children know that sex and gender is a God-given gift. Whether we are male or female is defined by God and not ourselves. Our bodies are important to God, and important to our understanding of our identity.

We live in a fallen and broken world, which needs the redemption that Jesus won for us on the cross, and which awaits its restoration when Jesus returns. Until that day, we will have difficulties and struggles, including with our bodies and our gender. The answer is not to change our gender (if that were possible) but to acknowledge how God has made us and live for him.

God has made us male or female, and the sex he has given to us is for our good. We may not ‘feel’ particularly masculine or feminine (and that might be largely defined by stereotypes anyway), but there is good in working out what it means to express our God-given gender.

There will, of course, be different ways of communicating these Biblical truths to children of different ages. A conversation with a teenager will inevitably touch on areas that would not be appropriate for a child just starting school. Andrew and Christian Walker suggest that discussions about gender can take place on three ‘floors’ depending on the child’s age. As children get older, and progress to a different ‘floor’, more can be said about the subject. But we can start communicating the foundational truths – that men and women are different, and that is given to us as a good gift from God – from an early age.

If your child expresses a desire to transition to a different gender, it might be necessary to gently and firmly resist this wish. As parents, you have a role to play in leading your children in a godly and wise fashion (Ephesians 6:1). This will mean pushing back on the idea of cross-dressing, changing names, or changing pronouns. We want our children to be led by God’s word, and by loving parents, not by their feelings. As pastor Sam Ferguson notes: “Your role is to aim your child toward holiness, not painlessness—eternal joy, not immediate gratification. In this responsibility, your no is as important as your yes.”

Believing and living out the Biblical picture of gender will bring opposition from the world around us. We would prefer, I am sure, not to send our children out to face antagonism and ridicule from their friends and teachers. But if we are to teach them the truth, then unfortunately there is a possibility that they will face this.

We need to help our children understand why people might react this way, and to expect that opposition. They shouldn’t be looking for it, as if they are spoiling for a fight (which might be a tendency among some teenagers!). But we should prepare them for the possibility of resistance from the world we live in.

Along with teaching them the truth about gender from the Bible, we need to teach them a Biblical way to respond to criticism from others. We need to help them to stand firm for truth, and also to react to opposition with love and compassion. We need to guide them through Jesus’ response to ridicule with grace, goodness, and forgiveness, turning the other cheek (Matthew 5:39). We want to raise believers in God’s truth who live out the grace of Jesus Christ.

I am certain that as Christian parents we are committed to praying for our children. Nevertheless, we need to ensure we are lifting up our children and young people in prayer when it comes to questions of gender. We are sending them out into a world that teaches things that are opposite to Biblical truth. We are sending them among people who will ridicule them, and cancel them, for believing what the Bible says about gender. We are sending them, like Jesus says to his disciples, as sheep among wolves (Matthew 10:16).

Our children need God’s power and protection to hold on to the truth. We can only help them so far. We cannot go into school, or college, or the workplace with them. But God can. We need to pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to be at work in our children as they seek to follow him.