“Church weddings slump to record low as young couples shun marriage” reads a recent headline from The Telegraph. Fewer British couples are getting married, and even fewer are choosing to include God in their wedding through getting married in church.
Some see marriage as an outdated institution, others view it as unnecessary, while some shun marriage because of the cost of a wedding celebration. But as Christians, the decline in marriage saddens us for a different reason. Because we believe that marriage is God’s better story for intimacy, sex and family life.
A blueprint for marriage
The Bible gives us a ‘blueprint’ for marriage right from the very start. After God creates the first man and woman, and brings them together, we read:
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
While the word ‘marriage’ does not occur in this verse, it has been understood by Christian scholars throughout the centuries that this sentence describes the pattern and purpose for marriage throughout the Old Testament. Turning to the New Testament, when he is tested by the Pharisees about marriage, we see Jesus affirming Genesis 1 and 2 as the definition for married life:
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
This short blueprint for marriage, along with the rest of the Bible’s teaching, give us the pattern for God’s purpose for marriage: it is to be a public, exclusive, lifelong commitment between one man and one woman. This is the God-given context for sex and family life to flourish.
Marriage unites one man and one woman
As the story of creation unfolds in Genesis chapters one and two, we come across the first thing that is ‘not good’. As each day of creation occurs we are told that everything is good, but suddenly in chapter two we read: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).
God demonstrates that nothing else in all creation can quite satisfy the need for a helper and companion by bringing each animal to Adam for him to name them. “So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.” (Genesis 2:20) Finally, God causes the man to fall into a deep sleep, and takes one of his bones to create a woman as his mate. When he brings her to Adam he reacts:
This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.
Old Testament scholar, John Goldingay, paraphrases Adam’s words as “This is it! She is so different from the animals! This is a person suitable for me!”
There is a ‘fit’ between the man and his wife. Eve is a suitable companion to Adam, alike but different, who complements him in a variety of ways. In particular there is a sexual dimension to the ‘fit’ between a man and a woman. They are designed to ‘fit together’ in the way in which their physical bodies are made, and with the potential of producing children through their sexual union.
As such, the Biblical pattern of marriage has been understood to bring together one man and one woman. If another man would have been sufficient to meet Adam’s need, then God would have brought him a male. But male and female are the pattern of compatibility, reproduction and sexual ‘fit’.
The mutual compatibility of male and female enable a couple to join together into ‘one flesh’. Again this has a strong sexual component, but the idea of ‘one flesh’ speaks of more than just physical intimacy. It describes how a husband and wife are to care for one another as if caring for their own body (Ephesians 5:28); they belong to one another as a married couple (1 Corinthians 7:4). It also speaks of the way in which a husband and wife start a new family unit, separate from their own families of origin.
This union of a man and woman to become ‘one flesh’ also means that God’s purpose for marriage is exclusive monogamy.
As Paul writes to the church in Corinth, he addresses sexual immorality among the Christians. Corinth was influenced by the relaxed sexual ethics of Rome, which allowed a great deal of sexual freedom inside and outside of marriage. Paul writes to the church:
But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
The Biblical pattern is one man and one woman enjoying sexual activity exclusively within marriage. God’s purpose for marriage rules out any others from marriage’s ‘one flesh’ union. Adultery is condemned throughout the Bible, as well as many other sexual arrangements outside of monogamy.
We do see many people throughout the Bible’s narrative violating the exclusivity of marriage: Jacob takes two wives, David several, and Solomon had hundreds. But their presence in the Bible does not mean that their behaviour is condoned. Each of these men were broken, sinful people who were obedient to God in some ways, and disobedient in others. Polygamy is not part of God’s good plan for marriage.
Marriage is a public commitment
After giving us the blueprint for marriage, Genesis chapter two then gives us a wonderful description of Adam and Eve’s marriage:
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
‘Naked and unashamed’ is a powerful picture of what marriage ought to look like. As we read on in the Bible story, we see how sin enters the world and twists everything, including human relationships. Nevertheless, ‘naked and unashamed’ is still the ideal because ‘naked’ has more than a physical and sexual meaning. It refers to the openness and vulnerability that a husband and wife share. This kind of vulnerability can only occur in the context of commitment.
A couple can only be completely open with each other when they know that the other will not walk out when things are uncomfortable, will not abandon them when feelings waver, and will not reject them as they reveal their true self. In other words, they need the commitment of vowing to ‘to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,’ as the Church of England marriage service puts it.
For marriage to be founded on this kind of commitment, it needs to be a commitment made in public. Those gathered at a wedding service are not just there to enjoy the celebration; they act as witnesses to the promises a couple make to one other. Some might argue that commitments can be made in private, without the need for a marriage ceremony. But true commitment cannot be forged in secrecy. It need to be witness by others who will keep that couple accountable for the promises they have made.
Marriage is lifelong
It stands to reason that is marriage is a commitment, it is one that is lifelong. A promise which can be dissolved, broken or ended is no promise at all. If I can break my commitment if things get difficult or painful, then I cannot foster the vulnerability that marriage demands. We cannot become ‘one flesh’ nor can we be ‘naked and unashamed’.
Lifelong commitment is implicit in Genesis chapter two’s blueprint for marriage, and is spelt out in the Old Testament Law prohibiting adultery. Jesus’ words to the Pharisees clarify the permanency of marriage: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). The apostle Paul spells out the same to the Corinthians, being sure to tell them this is God’s command, not simply his opinion:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Marriage is designed to be permanent. Just as a husband and wife’s commitment to each other provides a safe space for sexual expression, so lifelong marriage ensures we are committed to one another for the long term. It is not something that changes with our thoughts, feelings or circumstances. As William Shakespeare puts it:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds / Admit impediments; love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with the remover to remove.
We live this side of the Fall in Genesis 3, and human relationships are twisted and distorted by human sin. In a fallen world, relationships do break down; adultery, domestic abuse, and sexual sin break the marriage covenant leading, in some cases, to irreparable damage. But God’s purpose for marriage is still that it should be a lifelong commitment.
One writer has likened marriage to superglue. It is designed to bring two together and bond them permanently. That is its purpose. However, sometimes superglue is misused, or there are problems, and that is why it often comes with a solvent that can dissolve the bond. The presence or use of the substance that breaks the bond does not remove the idea that glue is designed to stick together permanently. So too with marriage. The reality of some marriages breaking down, and ending in divorce, does not take away from the truth that God’s good purpose for marriage is lifelong commitment.
Marriage is the place for sex
Christians can have a reputation about being rather prudish about sex. Which is surprising since the Bible talks a great deal about sex. It even has a whole book containing sexual imagery and language, the Song of Songs. That book, along with the rest of the Bible, declares sex to be a good gift from God and something that is powerful and precious:
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.”
Here, as in much of Song of Songs, ‘love’ is talking at least in part about sexual activity. A metaphor that the Bible uses here, and elsewhere, to discuss sex is fire.
Fire is an incredibly positive thing. When used properly it is very good, bringing light to a home and warmth when it is cold. However, fire that is used in an improper or uncontrolled fashion has the potential to be profoundly destructive. It can get out of control, destroy the house and damage lives.
So too with sex. In the Bible’s view sex is both precious and powerful. It is to be enjoyed but respected, and treated in the right way, just like fire. Only then will it produce the benefits for which it was intended.
Our culture views sex is something to used and then thrown away. One night stands are fine as long as they are consensual. Couples should sleep together before getting serious in a relationship. But the Bible teaches that sex is more to us than simply a way of giving pleasure. It brings a couple together on an emotional as well physical level; it unites us, and that unity is not easily broken. So God has given the boundary of marriage as the proper and fitting place for sexual activity to be enjoyed.
Theologian and pastor, A. T. B. McGowan, explains:
It has always been the conviction of the Christian church in all its branches, based upon Holy Scripture, that sexual relationships outside of that between husband and wife are contrary to God’s intention. This is not just the view of a few ultra-conservative theologians but has been the historic conviction of the church for two thousand years
Sex is something to be enjoyed, but within the boundaries of the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Marriage is the place for raising children
The Bible’s blueprint for marriage says: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife” (Genesis 2:24). Being united to another person in marriage establishes a new family unit of husband and wife, and brings the possibility of extending that family with the arrival of children.
In the first chapter of Genesis, after creating and bringing together man and woman in mutual compatibility, God commands them:
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.
While sin enters the world in Genesis 3, God repeats the command to humanity after the flood, saying:
As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.
Human beings have this ‘creation mandate’ to fill the earth and subdue it. This means reproduction is a necessary part of fulfilling God’s purpose for humanity, and therefore for marriage.
Since sexual expression is reserved for the safety and protection of marriage, so too is the bearing and raising of children. Just as lifelong, exclusive commitment allows sex to flourish, so lifelong, exclusive commitment provides a safe environment for family life to flourish as well.
That is not to say that every marriage will have children; there can be many reasons why a couple are unable to have a family. Nor should this be a reason to look down on single parents, who are working hard to raise their children well on their own for a wide variety of reasons. Nevertheless, God’s purpose for marriage is that it forms the ideal place for the raising and nurture of children, in the fear and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
Marriage points to Jesus
The Biblical pattern for marriage running all the way back to Genesis is that of a public, exclusive, lifelong commitment between one man and one woman, which gives the right environment where sex and family life can flourish.
All those things are true and good, but they are not the greatest purpose of marriage. God’s ultimate good purpose for marriage is to point people to Jesus.
As Paul writes to the Ephesians, he talks about the practical ways in which being a Christian affects everyday life. He talks to husbands and wives about marriage, instructing them to love and commit themselves to one another. As he talks about the Bible’s blueprint for marriage, that two people become one flesh, he writes:
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Above all else, marriage is good because it reflects Jesus and his relationship with the church.
Marriage is meant to be lifelong, but marriage is also temporary. Jesus tells us that: “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage” (Matthew 22:30). In the new heavens and the new earth, we will no longer have marriage. That is because marriage points to a better and more glorious relationship: the relationship between Jesus and his people. John’s revelation of the fulfilment of history climaxes with the wedding of Jesus and his bride, the Church. Those in heaven declare, “the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.” (Revelation 19:7)
The best of marriages on the best of days reflects something of the love and commitment that Jesus shows us. The best of marriages on the best of days is nothing compared to the glory of that relationship that we are truly made for.
God has a good purpose for marriage, which is to point us toward Jesus. Whether we are married or single, widowed or divorced, a parent or not, that is the eternal and everlasting relationship that we truly need.