How to support someone who has had an abortion

“I had an abortion.”

Those words can stop a conversation in its tracks, even with the closest of friends. Our desire may be to love and walk with our friend, but we may also struggle to understand the experience of abortion and feel unsure about how to help.

The reality is that we probably know more people who have experienced abortion than we think. In England and Wales, statistics show that one in three women under the age of 45 have had an abortion. If you are a Christian, is very likely that there are women in your church who have gone through an abortion. You might be reading this having been through such an experience yourself.

Open is an initiative of CARE working to ensure that every church is a safe place for women to discuss baby loss, including abortion, and equipping people to support those who have gone through this kind of trauma. They recognise a number of steps that every person can take to respond to, and support, someone who has had an abortion.

If a friend has opened up to you about an abortion, they have made themselves deeply vulnerable. Even if you struggle to understand the decisions they have made, you can meet them in their place of vulnerability and acknowledge it.

Most women go through abortion alone, and face what is a very traumatic experience without anyone by their side. As a result, many women are reluctant to talk about what has happened. It can take a great deal of courage to open up to another person about it. For most people, it takes a while, and it can take some women a significant amount to time to speak about their experiences. Even if the event was many years ago, the consequences for the women involved can be profound and too often forgotten in debates about abortion.

Many women will have experienced feelings of shame about having had an abortion, and feared hostility from others, especially Christians and churches. It is a hugely significant step for them to speak about what they have gone through, especially if they know that you are a Christian.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives his followers a far-reaching command: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2)

It is not our role to judge others, or to attack others who have sinned, or been sinned against. For every fault we find in others, we could face judgement many times over. Jesus shows us how we are to show grace and mercy to every person, with the measure that God has lavished grace and mercy on us.

Nobody reacts to trauma in exactly the same way, and this includes the experience of abortion. There is a danger that we can generalise, assuming that we know exactly what the person in front of us is thinking or feeling. We need to approach the conversation with our friend with humility. We cannot assume that we know what they are going through, and we cannot know how we would have responded in the same situation. Nor do we know what their relationship was with God at the time.

There is no ‘typical’ response to abortion, and while you may expect your friend to act, or react, in a certain fashion, they may respond in unexpected ways. Every person who has experienced an abortion will react differently. As their friend, it is important to recognise their uniqueness and not try to fit them into any particular box.

When speaking with someone who has had an abortion, it is vital to know your limits. You will not know everything about what they have gone through, or what they are feeling, so don’t give the impression that you do. You don’t need to be full of knowledge, and you don’t need to be an expert. All you need to be is a listening ear. There are experts and knowledgable people that can be drawn on if the need arises.

Whenever you encounter someone who is suffering, the temptation is always to try and ‘fix’ them. Here is another human being who is hurting. It is perfectly natural to want to try and take away the hurt and deal with the pain.

However, it is not always possible to take away another person’s pain. The wounds and effects of abortion run deep, particularly if someone has carried them for many years. They cannot be ‘fixed’ in a simple and quick way. It is important for us to know our limitations, that we cannot fix the brokenness that our friend is feeling, but we can be part of the process of healing.

The most important thing we can do is listen. As already noted, women who have gone through abortions have likely done so alone. This might be the very first time your friend has spoken about exactly what happened to her. Listening without judgement is our first step to truly understanding what our friend is thinking and feeling.

Listen to what happened before the abortion, and listen to what she tells you about what happened at the appointment itself. Don’t push for details she might not be ready to share just yet. But listen carefully to what she does say, and how she is feeling. Many women will lock their emotions away after an abortion, so talking about her feelings, however complex, can be a crucial stage in starting to let go of the burden she is carrying.

‘Just listening’ can seem very small and ineffectual. But listening also communicates: that you are a safe person to talk to, that she is not alone, and that you are not going to abandon her because she has told you she has had an abortion.

As a Christian this kind of listening not only communicates what you are like, but also what God is like. Your friend might believe that God is distant or uncaring because of what she has done. Being a Christian who listens, cares, and meets her where she is helps her to see that God listens, cares, and meets her too.

We may want to see quick results as we listen and speak with our friend, but we need to remember that the normal process of growth and healing is slow. It takes time, so we need to ensure that we are alongside our friend for the long haul. There may be plenty of other people involved as well, such as therapists, counsellors, and pastors, but we can walk with our friend through it all too.

Don’t poke or pry for more details than your friend is willing to share. However, if she tells you things like the date of the abortion, or the date the baby would have been due, try to remember them. She is likely to feel particularly sensitive at those times, and a kind word or thoughtful gesture could make all the difference. It can communicate that you care, and that God cares, about what she is going through.

For all of the pain and complexity of an abortion, your friend is a person who is loved by God and precious in his sight.

As such, they ultimately need what every person needs: to know Jesus Christ. There will be different people with specific skills who can play a part in helping those who have gone through an abortion, but we can share what is of greatest value and greatest help: Jesus.

Our CARE colleagues at Open often use Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well in John chapter four as a way to explain caring for someone who has had an abortion. The woman was a Samaritan (who the Jews of Jesus’ day looked down on), coming to the well at the hottest part of the day. No doubt she did this to avoid other people who frowned upon her and gossiped about her. She comes in a vulnerable state and finds Jesus waiting for her at the well.

Jesus understands her position (and her background, as he will show later in the conversation). He acts with humility toward her, asking her for some water. He meets her where she is in her weakness and vulnerability.

He then gently and graciously points her to himself. “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water,” he says (John 4:10). He confronts her situation by asking her to bring her husband, to which she replies she has none. Jesus knows that she has had plenty of husbands in the past, and her current partner is not her husband.

Jesus confronts the sin in her life without attacking or abandoning her. When she changes the subject to a theological sidetrack, he answers her, leading her back to himself. The climax of the conversation is Jesus revealing “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.” (John 4:26)

Jesus is the one that every person needs to encounter. Jesus is the only one who can bring healing to brokenness, and forgiveness for guilt and shame. Jesus is the only one who can give us living water for our souls.

This article has only given the first steps into a long-term, ongoing conversation with your friend who has had an abortion. There is much more than could be said, and much more advice that could be given.

As part of CARE’s work, Open run regular training courses to help people support those who have gone through abortion. ‘Walk with me’ is an online session designed for anyone who wants to be better equipped to support those who have experienced abortion. The session lasts for two hours and you can book through the Events page of the CARE website.

For those who are in church ministry, Open also run ‘Picking up the pieces’, an online training session for church leaders and pastoral workers. The session lasts for two hours and you can book that through the CARE Events page.

If your church would like some help to think about the topic of abortion, and pastoral approaches to care for those who have been through it, we would love to help with that. Our Church Engagement Team, along with the team at Open, are able to come and run sermons, seminars, talks, and training for churches. You can find out more, and contact us to arrange a visit, at CARE’s Book a Speaker page.